AttentionMax

Hi Max -
We went through this last year. When you take it seriously, as you are, it is a gut-wrenching process.

Quick advice: whomever would raise your kids should not only share your values but also be "of a certain age," i.e., close to your age, if possible. And obviously, whomever you choose needs to agree in advance, and needs to know that they'll also have the funds to do the job (college, etc.) without fear.

The executor should be honest and unbiased, i.e., not a family member, if you ask me. Or, if a family member, not someone who would also be the guardian or trustee.

We decided that the trustee should not also be the guardian. Better to have a 3rd party watch for the best interests of the children, when it comes to $$. But, the trustee of the funds and the guardians should know and respect each other, and have the bes interests of the children in mind.

(Having said all that, the trustee should be willing to give the guardians the benefit of the doubt now and then: they are raising your kids, and deserve some flexibility and even reward, for it. Their tribulations should be respected. As the parent of 2 teenagers, trust me: there will be tribulations!)

You asked. Hope it helps some little bit.

Todd,
Many thanks. VERY helpful!

Max, these are tough issues! When my friend asked me to be the guardian of her children I wept. I cried because of the magnitude of the decision and because the thought of anything ever happening to her or her hubby was overwhelming. I also understood why they chose me rather than family - shared values, faith and mindset. I would absolutely love and raise her children as she would. I've seen loving families fight over assets and custody and it's ugly. As you consider these tough decisions choose those that you have watched under fire and their character has remained intact. I hope that other parents share their experience with you. These are weighty issues and a great discussion point.

Thanks Karen. Very helpful.

We have been through this:
Guardians (primary and back up) - In our opinion,pick someone (or a couple) who first of all will love your kids, someone who has beliefs that closely match your own, someone with good health who will most likely be there long-term for your kids as they grow up. If possible, someone who would not require the kids to have to move, especially if they are in school. Usually a relative is the best fit, but not always.
For the Executor - this can be a really cumbersome job and I don't recommend giving this to a relative. If you have a relative who is an attorney that is often a good fit - but he/she may have to agree to a greatly reduced hourly rate in order not to decrease the inheritence with high billing. If there is a large financial estate you may also want to name a 3rd party with a strong financial background.
Trustee of Assets may depend on the state you live in and the age of the child upon inheritence. For example, when my son was 12-years-old, he inheritted a sum of money. Because of the state we live in, a judge determined how the money would be invested until age 18. In our will, we actually have indicated that no one will inherit until age 24.

lturec, I appreciate your insight.

Max - If you want someone other than family, I am thinking of a guy who works for your dad who also has a young son. I believe you have known this person for a long, long time.

Max, all great comments. You made me think about my own situation. We are going to go with my brother in law (and my best friend), godfather to our eldest and his wife for guardian, with back-up being another best friend. Neither have kids yet, but love our sons and have the same values we do.

My father's executor and trustee are one in the same - a very good college friend who runs a private bank. i would definitely not give either position to a family member, but a trusted friend who is in the industry and can make educated decisions. my mother is going through it with her mother's estate and it is not that pretty.

i guess i have to get on the ball and do this as well, since our second is already 6 weeks!

Best of luck with these tough choices.

Thanks Alex, and congrats on your second! I hear one is arm candy, but two is when the real work starts, especially when they're very close in age. Helpful advice.